Mother Guilt

Last night I nicked Charlie's fingertip while cutting his nails and immediately teared up and started apologizing compulsively. Mind you, my son was fine - happy and playing in his activity chair - unaware of the blood dripping from his finger. I, however, couldn't get it together, riddled with guilt. Blessedly, I have a husband who is rationale and took over applying pressure to the finger while I had a good cry in my room.

I heard about the concept of Mother Guilt when I was pregnant and, to be honest, scoffed at it. Why feel guilty when you a) are learning as you go the first time around and b) are doing the best you can, offering as much as you can. And, while I still agree with my logic pre-baby, after four months of motherhood, I am still battling the Mother Guilt and so I write to attempt to exercise and wrestle a bit.

Perhaps my upcoming return to work and the overcast summer skies are heightening my awareness of my MG today, but nonetheless, I confess that I am acutely aware that I feel unsettled unless I'm working to be all things to all people - especially my son. It's a challenge I've struggled with my whole life, but it's definitely been heightened since Charlie arrived. I will never be the perfect mom or wife or teacher or daughter and I do not want to be. I want Charlie to know that life is just as full of disappointment as it is filled with celebration. I want him to know that even those who love him most will let him down now and again and that life is about offering grace and choosing trust in relationships.

I do not pretend that my confessing this struggle will eliminate my Mother Guilt or my drive to please others. I do hope, however, that I will find a little freedom and feel the grace that surpasses understanding as summer draws to an end.